At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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