guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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