do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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