i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
