You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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