new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
