I wanna bring you to show and tell
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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