My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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