"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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