Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
