I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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