There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
