I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
