I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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