I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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