you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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