I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i think i just lost a toe
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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