I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
