I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
