I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
