I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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