Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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