My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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