I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
