True but thats because hes a fetus.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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