The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
