Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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