The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
