I hope mine doesn't look like that
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
