my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
