Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
