because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
