she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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