Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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