If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
