he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
