My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
