I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my being single is dangerous.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
