I want to make a zoo with you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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