Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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