Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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