i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
