My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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