And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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