I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
