White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
