I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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