The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
