I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
