overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
